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The Elvis


When friends decided to recreate a State Fair Extravaganza in their Brooklyn backyard, we had to go.

Duck ponds, ring tosses, freak shooting, and prize-winning festivities abounded. In the great tradition of all state fairs, there was also a cooking competition. Was I in it to win it? Of course!

This weekend’s event was actually a fry-off instead of a cook-off — even better! Two prizes were given: one for the “Most Cardiac-Arresting,” and the second for the “Most Delicious.”

My boyfriend and I brought two contenders, one of which was just bought off the shelf and the other that we “cooked.” My contribution was The Elvis, PBJ and bananas on Wonder Bread. My boyfriend’s was Hostess GloBalls, a crème-filled chocolate cake covered in marshmallow fluff rolled in coconut shavings and FD&C Green No° 3 — an edible, glow-in-the-dark, seasonal variation of the traditional Hostess SnoBall.

Other things fried that night? Bacon-wrapped pineapple slices rolled in coconut and Cocoa Krispies. Shu Mai. Ravioli. Pizza. Pickles. Peppers. Sara Lee Pound Cake. Cheesecake. Meatballs. French toast. Frozen White Castle sliders. Fresh White Castle sliders with pickles. Bananas. Strawberries. Defrosted Banquet Mac ‘n’ cheese. Donuts. French Fries.

I don’t know how the judge, a former vegetarian thus possessing an unsullied palate, made it through the endless rounds of fried food. It was pretty awe-inspiring.

The Elvis valiantly went forth and clogged some arteries. It probably would have clogged more had I added bacon since the real Elvis apparently liked his daily fried PBJ and banana with some pork product for added fat, salt, and crunch. This information is somewhat anecdotal; it is unclear if the King had the bacon in the sandwich, or simply liked it fried in bacon fat.

In the fryer, the GloBalls’ marshmallow covering became a crispy and weirdly tooth-shattering. The Globalls’ glow-in-the-darkiness mellowed to a grass green. Out of the fryer, they turned out to be both disturbingly toxic (dissolving the styrofoam plates underneath them) and unbelievably delicious. They left the palate tingling with an amazingly not unpleasant chemical zing.

Though the Elvis was a strong contender, I think you already know what won.

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, the GloBalls.

Frightening but true.

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